Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
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What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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