I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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