You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
