went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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