there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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