i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
