It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
