I puked a lego.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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