super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
