how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
FUCK WHALES
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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