He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We had sex on a dog bed..
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
