Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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