The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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