That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
