The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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