i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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