We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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