is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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