How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
