I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
