tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
