It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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