I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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