it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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