All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
