I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
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How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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