Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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