Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
