I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
