I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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