Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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