dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
