my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
