sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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