It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
there is puke in my bra ... again
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