I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
