Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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