I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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