I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
