these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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