I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
