I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
