When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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