Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
