Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
