I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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