so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
