me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize