i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
