i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
