I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
