What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
You left your phone here
Wait...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
