dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
