I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
