normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
im six kinds of drunk right now
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
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Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
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It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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