I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
