Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
a search helicopter?!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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