ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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