im drinking this country out of the recession.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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