his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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