Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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