this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
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Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
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Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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